The world has a very different idea of fast food than we do during Lent. They’re talking quick, greasy and cheap. We’re talking meatless, lactose-free and mortifying — yum yum.

So what is fast food — the food appropriate for fasting — anyway?

Everyone can read out of their Orthodox 101 pamphlet: No meat, no dairy, no eggs, no olive oil, no alcohol and — getting into the more optional categories — no fish (only seafood) and no sweets. But we also know that had a different complexion when it was first devised. Going without olive oil probably would’ve meant going without any vegetable oil at all, since I don’t think they had Wesson in those days. Eating shrimp and lobster instead of fish probably had a whole different feel in the days when those bottom-feeding creatures lived off whatever floated down in bays and waterways — and there was no indoor plumbing.

And what about all the other host of food options that didn’t exist then? How do you pick your way through the aisles of egg substitutes, butter substitutes, meat and milk substitutes? I don’t really know. For myself, I admit I have to kind of try them on for a while and see how they fit. That has a tinge of self-regulation that must make every good Orthodox shudder. But there’s nothing for it. In spite of the given dietary restrictions, there’s still a lot that isn’t accounted for, and each person’s fast looks a little different after all.

In my case, I’m looking askance at fake foods this year. It doesn’t seem right to me to remove the natural versions of food during Lent and plop in similar-tasting versions that were thrown together in a laboratory. At least, it doesn’t seem right if they do a good job of imitating those foods. On the Ortho-convert list today, Ted gave one less-than-glowing endorsement:

I was in COSTCO today, and was given a sample of Veggie Burger, hot off a griddle. The only reason I can imagine a person consuming it is to make them throw up at a poison center! It’s AWFUL!!!
If, in fasting, you want some extra mortification, use that burger substitute. Personally I’d just as soon put a piece of pea gravel in my shoes, or …

He went on to propose more painful metaphors, but you get the picture. So, if the stuff tastes nasty, aren’t you mortifying the flesh when you eat it? Well, that’s certainly the theory I’m operating under by drinking soy milk this Lent.

Soy milk is absolutely foul. It looks like off-white paint, and it tastes like liquid library paste with some sugar added. I think it ought to be re-named Whitish, Viscous Fluid Extracted from Beans. Then you wouldn’t be thinking about how good a glass of milk would taste. I’ve actually gotten a little fascinated with how nauseating it is. Of my own free will, I pour it into a clear glass, even though I know that that’ll mean I’ll see that unappealing and unwholesome ecru color it’s got.

But it’s part of my cunning plan to be smarter about my Lenten choices. In the past, I’ve made up for the lack in the usual sources of protein by increasing the amounts of fatty and starchy stuff. When I find, as I do every Lent, that I’m getting light-headed, I increase the amounts. The result is that I still usually don’t feel well, and I gain a pound or two (or three or four? I can’t remember. I’ve blotted it out of my memory.) by Pascha. It didn’t feel quite right but I couldn’t figure out any other way to do it.

For that reason, I’m actually glad I made the stupid step of trying to do the Atkins diet instead of the Lenten fast last year. It was a totally stupid thing to do, though I felt less stupid when I found out that a lot of other Orthodox, including at least one clergyman I know, tried it as well. I should have known better, because I’ve tried dieting instead of fasting before. Sometimes you have to keep making the same mistake over and over before you totally give up on dumbness. When you do give up, you begin to be a little bit smarter and able to figure out the following logic problem:

1. A diet is not the fast.
2. The fast, however, is a diet.
3. If you diet instead of fast, you don’t get the benefits of either one.
4. If you keep the fast, you get both.

So the answer is simple, right? Nope, if you’re me, you’re gonna give that stupid Atkins diet one more chance. And then you’ll spend all of Holy Week going “DOH!!”

But the good thing that came out of it was that there’s nothing like Atkins for making you realize what a difference it makes to manage proteins and cut back as much as you can on the starchy stuff. It’s just plain worth more have less food during Lent, if that makes sense. So my fast this year looks something like this:

• no meat, dairy, eggs, olive oil, alcohol
• fish and seafood okay, but preferably fish
• restrict and try to eliminate: sweets, diet sodas, sugar and the following substitutes: sugar, meat, egg
• soy milk okay — still not sure about tofu
• only eat at mealtimes unless absolutely necessary
• limit portion size and stop eating before you’re full (that one’s a Weight Watchers guideline, actually.)
• try to either have meals made up of five or less ingredients and/or have unheated food. (This sounds silly, but I read something about it in the OCA typikon. Not that there’s anything wrong with either of these things, but these guidelines tend to result in simpler meals.)

It looks kind of scary on paper (on-screen, rather), doesn’t it? But I’ll give it a whirl. And if I’m in real trouble, I’ll try the strawberry-flavored soy milk. Not for incentive, of course. For punishment. Gag.