I’m aboard the Carnival Spirit heading for Alaska. Another cruise for us, this one carrying a certain hope of spiritual enrichment because I’m traveling with an Orthodox group and hoping to see some glimpse of the Russian Orthodox history of Alaska. I may be dreaming that I could do anything like that on an Alaskan cruise, but if it turns out I can’t, I guess all I did was take an Alaskan cruise and fill up on good food, good company and great scenery — oh well.

And I’ve been availing myself of the good food, so I decided to try a little power-walking around the deck to restore my self-esteem. Though the temperatures are in the 60’s, it’s temperate enough if you keep moving. So I’m beginning to feel good enough to find out whatever is the silly drink of the day, when the loudspeaker emits its two-tone signal — bing BONG — and then …

“Hello, this is Michelle, your naturalist, again.”

Oh no, not Michelle, my naturalist.

“We have some lovely weather for spotting marine life today, and we have seen some humpback whales on the starboard or left side of the boat.”

I keep walking, eyes fixedly ahead. No, Michelle, you’re not going to do this to me again.
“Remember that you’re looking for some splashing, just any turbulence of the swells as they stir up the water and feed on the crill.”

As Michelle sings her siren song, people start migrating to the starboard rails, looking out, ahead, back, scanning the brackish swells.

“We spotted two whales earlier. You might see a fin come out of the water.”

Families and couples congregate, crane their necks, try to encourage each other.

“You might also see a flume of water, which looks like a puff of smoke.”

Michelle has been doing this to us all day. She started in at breakfast. I have yet to have heard of anyone except Michelle who has seen anything. I’m trying to hold to my course, but she’s starting to get to me.

“And again, these are on the starboard side. We’re just starting to draw even to them in the middle of the ship.”

Shoot, that’s right where I am. Maybe if I just took one peek, I’d see turbulence and feel like my life had meaning.

So I look for a spot at the railing and join the hungry throng. We want to see flumes, we want to see fins. If someone could point out anything that looked like it might possibly be white water, we can all leave and tell our friends of the wonders of nature we beheld. And we really tried. People with binoculars and zoom lenses scoured the landscape and called back anything at all, but it always turned out to be nothing.

I feel used. Michelle did it again. She’s probably up there watching all this on a video camera and cackling away merrily with the crew as we simpletons look for sea creatures that aren’t there.

Or maybe this is just what they do when the ship starts listing to port. “Quick, Michelle, help us balance out the boat. Tell those morons a school of mermaids is doing back flips off the starboard bow!”

I finally tear myself away from the view of nothing and go back to my walk. I’m hearing a camera or two click as people take pictures of the nothing — maybe they can convince their friends that it’s a picture of a whale.
As I start trucking along again, Michelle starts in again.

“And towards the back of the boat, we’ve seen a school of Dall’s Porpoises, known for their distinctive black-and-white coloring.”

No, Michelle. No. Not again. If the ship tilts that badly, you guys should get yourself some stabilizers instead of just playing mind games with the dupes on board.

That woman was enough to drive me back to the buffet.