Let’s play Judicial Nominee Twister!
July 3rd, 2005 ~ Political circusOn Friday morning, Greg called to tell me that I might want to turn on the news and check it out because Sandra Day O’Connor was retiring. By early afternoon, he had received a forwarded e-mail from an acquaintance with a petition from MoveOn.org ( — an acquaintance that has a very poor grasp of Greg’s political leanings, by the way.)
“A petition?” I asked. “They’re petitioning what?”
“Who knows?” he said.
So MoveOn.org has already started their disagreeable nonsense. And I’ve heard people from Planned Parenthood using the words that their foot-soldiers love to hear. (”WHAT? Roe v. Wade in trouble again?? To the batpoles!”) Goodness knows that every good little Democrat Senator will spend the rest of the long weekend practicing his or her moral-outrage faces in the mirror, if they know what’s good for them.
I say the GOP should work it. Here’s what they need to do.
- Stall - Announce meetings and then cancel them. Call press conferences and then talk about plumbing problems. Turn off cell phones. Say the fax is broken. Just anything to allow time for the real fringe-y nutballs on the left to start losing their minds. (Four days ought to do it.)
- Misinform - Leak stories mentioning Ann Coulter, and then tell everyone they made a mistake and that’s the name of your parakeet. When the president says that he’s looking at many candidates, tell him to start using words like “old-fashioned” and “God-fearing”. Have Newt Gingrich be seen buying black shoes.
- Bother - Pipe Rush Limbaugh and country music into the Senatorial washrooms. Tow all their cars.
- Enrage - On the day of the announcement, turn off the air conditioning in the Senate. Keep everyone waiting 45 minutes. The president should come in walking verrrry slow and smiling a LOT. He should shuffle cards for 10-20 minutes.
- Pow! - Then he should suddenly straighten up and go, “I nominate Elmer Fudd! I nominate my barber! I nominate St. Simeon the Stylite! I nominate [real candidate]! I nominate Tito Jackson!” and run off the stage.
Actually, he wouldn’t need to worry about how to get off the stage. The wall of sound would carry him off. “Elmer Fudd is COMPLETELY unsuitable as a …” … “I cannot CONDONE the behavior of St. Simeon the …” … “Tito Jackson has a RECORD of bias and hate-speech that …” … “We don’t even KNOW your stinkin’ barber!!!” etc. etc. etc. It would take them a week to even sort it out, and by that time, the American public would be more interested in the new season of “Desperate Housewives.”
Well, I think it’s a good idea, anyway.
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July 5th, 2005 at 12:29 am
Oh imagine.. Ann Coulter! Wouldn’t that be something. No matter who the President nominates the Dems will come unglued. Justice O’Connor retires and the National Organization for Women posts photos of women who died in backroom abortions. Gosh! lefties even thought the confirmation of Justice Souter would cause women to die…
Time for Bush to step up and nominate a real conservative. There’s no political price he has to pay in doing so. None of the MoveOn crowd would vote for Republicans in 2006 even if he nominated Barbara Streisand.
July 5th, 2005 at 10:33 am
That makes sense to me. What the heck — it would be interesting to even see what all these guys say if they really *do* have something to complain about. Might as well be hung for a sheep as a goat, as the saying goes.
Unfortunately, it seems just as predictable that Bush will be wimpy about this opportunity and try to come up with some compromise (for which he will be utterly detested and despised by the left). He’s already made some noises about working with the Senate on the decision. Why? I don’t believe anyone has ever involved the Senate in the choice of nominee before. We know from perusing the circuit of response from Kennedy, Pelosi, Reid and the rest that they are acting as if this is an entitlement — but they’re full of it, and I wish Bush would completely ignore them.
Oh well. As all the commentators have said, it’s going to be a loooonnng summer.
July 5th, 2005 at 11:40 am
Oh, this is funny, funny, funny! (a triune funny is, of course, the highest of all funnies available)
July 5th, 2005 at 11:51 am
Thank goodness someone else thinks so, too. It’s terrible to crack yourself up. But then, I think I’ve got that Pavlovian response to the name “Elmer Fudd.”
July 21st, 2005 at 2:10 pm
[…] they wanted to say, ” . . . .???” It’s almost as if Bush took me up on my grand idea and nominated Elmer Fudd just to shut the […]