Continuing the series that I might title “Is all hell going to break loose or what?” here’s the prophecy of doom that touches on the global war going on between cultures. That could be almost any cultures, but everyone’s favorite if you’re talking about something really apocalyptic in scope isn’t Sunni vs. Shiite or Hindu vs. Muslim but (big capital ‘W’) Western society vs. … well, anyone really, including many toxic elements inside Western society.

Here’s how this one is purported to unfold:

The bad guy: “Western society,” by which we mean the Christianized, Enlightenment-educated society that would like to trace its roots back to the Roman Empire, but could probably only plausibly trace it back to the Renaissance. This is the society that coalesced in Western Europe and jumped to the New World, where it was re-invented with some changes for the better and some for the worse.

Why they’re (we’re) so bad: This changes depending on who’s doing the prophesying. It could be because we’re decadent and don’t worship the right God (Muslim version), or because we’re not progressive enough and worship God at all (Western elitist version). It could be because we’re hogging all the covers (European version when speaking about America), or that we have become weak pantywaists who couldn’t find our army and navy with both hands (American version when talking about the Europeans).

The biggest reason that Western society is such a big bad guy is simply that it has become the dominant world culture of the First World (the “rich” nations). That doesn’t mean it’s the best or that it’s God’s idea of a cracking good culture — it just means that it is the best one anyone has stumbled on so far at providing the highest quality of life to the most people. The extreme dislike of the primacy of this one culture ignites passions of the many other nations who aren’t that sure they want to have a Starbucks on every corner and of a great many Westerners, who just feel like it’s unfair somehow and we should give someone else a turn.

The problem for both the outsiders and insiders who want Western culture taken down a peg is that that’s easier said than done. It’s not the military might that holds Westerners in power these days, and no one is interested in colonization anymore. But the access of affordable goods, a higher quality of services and individual freedom to enjoy them proves irresistible for anyone except the most religiously zealous. They might want to filet out the parts of Western culture that they like (democracy, a free market, McDonald’s) and leave the part they don’t (Christian ethos, bratty teenagers, McDonald’s), but once you open that door, things have a way of taking care of themselves. Apparently, those of European descent aren’t the only ones who have a hard time with materialism.

The crisis: There are many cultures that feel like they are about to be subsumed into Western culture, and they don’t want to be (for which you can hardly blame them). They have different attack plans:

• The Muslim model is to stave off Westerners by declaring a holy war. That’s all well and good, except it’s not really going all that well — the many disparate Muslim fundamentalists can’t agree with each other long enough to put together great armies, and without those they can’t really hope to conquer and hold all the Western and Westernized peoples. Their culture may be the most prevalent and cohesive throughout the world — maybe more so than the Western culture — but that’s not all that hard to be these days. Ultimately, you have to be able to win the war of ideas as well as the war of brute force. The problem for jihadists is that they’re only addressing the brute force part, and not with that much overwhelming success.
• The non-Muslim non-Western model is usually to really, really, really despise Western culture and teach everyone you know to hate it too. Which is a sassy game-plan, for sure, but ultimately it doesn’t lead to any significant change and doesn’t constitute much of a crisis, except maybe to give everyone heartburn and to convince squishy Westerners that we just aren’t popular enough.
• The Western disenfranchised model is to advocate a revolution of some kind. (”Up against the wall, rich suburbanites or white slave-holders’ offspring or Yankee imperialist dogs!”) The model holds that when the outraged masses rise up against those in power, they will prevail because (a) justice is on their side, (b) those in power have been forever tainted by the sins of their ancestors (c) the new emerging revolutionary culture is pure and unadulterated. This seemed like it was going to happen several times in the 20th century. Now talk like this usually just makes people roll their eyes, especially since it’s hard not to notice that the pure, unadulterated culture still wants to have the big-screen TV and the dollar menu at Hardee’s. So the battle is fought by constantly trying to make mountains out of molehills, flogging anything that remotely resembles the reality that you’ve been pushing and filing for lawsuits like there’s no tomorrow. Again, sassy but hardly the thing that sea changes are made of.
• The Western elitist model actually goes quite a bit like the Western disenfranchised model. What they haven’t quite noticed is that they’re declaring war against themselves. Western elitists think that Muslims, non-Muslims and the disenfranchised are entirely right to blame them for everything and want no part of their culture (even though they have to overlook a lot of data to support that conclusion). They think that these antagonists are perfectly correct to accuse us of being greedy bullies (though they choose to skip the part where we’re accused of being immoral, decadent and impious). The Western elitists are looking and praying for someone who wants to declare war on Walmart, Rush Limbaugh and Christian evangelicals, but not on The Gap, Howard Stern or Scientology. In short, they can’t really create the cultural crisis from scratch, but they would be very, very happy to show the invading hordes where the silver is kept. A cleansing revolution is the glint in the eye of humanities professors and super-rich illuminati.

Success means:

• Radical Muslim model - a world that’s Muslim. Surely nothing else quite qualifies. When Islam is the only religion and Muslim culture is the only culture, then all will be as it should be and all the peoples will be enlightened and glad.
• Non-Muslim, non-Western model - Westerners will shove off once and for all but leave the key to Starbucks.
• Western disenfranchised model - They will no longer feel disenfranchised. They will be able to pursue excellence. They will be owners and not renters or sharers. They will feel every bit as superior, happy and all-powerful as they imagine the enfranchised people are now.
• Western elite - We just! plain! won’t be the dominant culture anymore. Somehow, some way, this has to happen in order for that venti half-caf latte to taste quite as good. It’s not fair that other cultures can’t compete against us and win, and so we have to keep handicapping ourselves until everyone catches up. In the meantime, the mantra is: Western culture: bad — non-Western culture: good. Repeat until enlightenment happens, or at least till Iran nukes Israel.

From time to time, these look likely. Then they always seem to have a way of petering out. I think that the biggest problem that other cultures have when calculating their ability to overcome us is that they fail to take man’s sinfulness into account. As I said, it’s not the army or the Christian churches (unfortunately) that are keeping Western culture prevalent — it’s cheap food, untainted water, qualified medical care and a chance to have a Social Security card and welfare check in your wallet. Would that that weren’t the case.

Not to be completely cynical, though. I don’t think it’s an accident that the environment created by Western culture is suitable for supporting active, intelligent Christianity. I don’t think the Idea of other religions can compete with the Idea of Christianity. But then, there are quite a few Christians right now that posit a looming crisis as well. Which I think takes me to the next installment.