I’m not usually a C-SPAN watcher, because it’s impossible for me to hear something that sounds that much like a really, really long business meeting without my mind wandering badly. (”Oh look, a senator is saying something. I wonder what their chairs are like. Gotta be leather. I like leather chairs. Am I out of cheese? What time is it?” and so on.) But I’m trying to take in some of the confirmation hearings on Judge Roberts, because just from the sound-bytes on the evening news I wonder how in the world Roberts is able to stand it without running around screaming like a chicken.

He had just finished one confirmation hearing, now he’s doing another. And in both, he’s had to spend daaaays sitting in one place (now, me, I’d just take the microphone and start pacing. Maybe take it along on a quick trip to Taco Bell.) facing off against a horde of hostile ex-lawyers behind a bright red tablecloth who talk very slowly in 10-minute sentences and whose entire purpose right now is to get him to say something silly. His entire job is to say over and over again that they’re basically out of luck.

If we threw Wonder Woman’s Golden Lasso of Truth (which, by the way, wins the prize for superhero thing that I’d most like to have) around everybody in the room, we could boil all this down to a couple minutes:

Faceless Democrat Senator: Judge Roberts, it has come to our attention that the press is actually covering this. If we were to gratuitously mention a whole mess of hot-button issues our insane fringe constituency freak out about, can we get you to go completely outside of what you’re here for and evaluate current events as if they were court cases you had heard?

Roberts: No.

FDS: Oh. Well, if we were to try to turn you into every conservative stereotype that they abhor, would you oblige us by slipping up and saying something really cool like “I don’t like abortion” or “gay marriage is gross” or something?

Roberts: No.

FDS: Oh come on.

Roberts: No, because I’m a fancy-pants judge and I eat up lame legal posers like you guys for lunch.

FDS: Well, crap.

Ted Kennedy: Hello.

Roberts: Hello.

TK: I don’t have anything to say, but I have 13 die-hard fans in mental institutions across this great land who are just waiting for me to say something that sounds like I’m really breaking your back.

Roberts: I see.

TK: I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO PULL THE WOOL OVER OUR EYES, JUDGE RICHARDS, uh, Ram, no.. uh …

Roberts: Roberts.

TK: ROBERTS, EXACTLY. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WON’T STAND FOR THIS.

Roberts: Won’t stand for what?

TK: Aah, who the hell cares? I’m worn out. Somebody bring me a highball.

Joseph Biden: Excuse me, exCUSE me, Judge Roberts.

Roberts: Yes?

JB: I plan on running for president in 2008 and so it’s imperative that I get in some sound-bytes for the wackos.

Roberts: What kind of –

JB: ExCUSE me, sir. Would you … I’m sorry, sir, but you MUST let me finish. I have to finish. I am a United States senator and this is the Senate, Judge Roberts. This (*bangs fist*) is a (*)confirmation (*)hearing in the (**)United (**!)States of (***!!!)America. What’s that you say?

Roberts: I didn’t s–

JB: And let me be perfectly frank and pretend to be polite even though I’m trying to rip your face off, sir. I put it to you that in these United States, we have NO patience with jack-booted maniacs who would seek to sell children to laboratories for Big Tabacco interests.

Roberts: I –

JB: (**!) NONE!!

Roberts: Y–

JB: Sir. Excuse me, sir. I really must ask that you stick to the matter at hand. I’m afraid that I … oh, …. the press left. Bummer. Well, who’s got change for the vending machine?

Roberts: So am I confirmed or what?

JB: Huh? Confirmed to what?

We could save the taxpayers a fortune.